I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I am midnight drunk by noon
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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