Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
