When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize