new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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