so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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