I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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