She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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