You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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