That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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