Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
