I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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