Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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