I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
