my phone needs a breathalizer
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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