Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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