Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
