my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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