K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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