I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
