I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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