You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
