Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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