Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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