I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
