i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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