ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
