i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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