at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The adults are the big ones right?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
