can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
