K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
