you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
