my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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