I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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