At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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