At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So. Much. Porn.
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