some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
