also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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