1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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