there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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