we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
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