apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
