I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize