I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
