Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
