??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
