I think I won the penis lottery.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
