I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
