the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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