it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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