So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
