She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize