6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
