I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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