Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
