sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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