i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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