Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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