I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
