I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
