awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
