OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I forgot wine drunk hurts
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
