I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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